Christmas...the REAL gift

Something I used to love about volunteering was that it enabled me to see what I consider an ordinary life through the eyes of someone who could appreciate every minute as something rare and gifted to them.  It would remind me always for a brief moment how precious and irretrievable moments could be.  It was a time when I could stand, even for only a brief time, outside myself and see the exact same things I found mundane and regimented with new light and meaning.  I have recently had that experience with Christmas.

I think a cruel irony in life is that it is those who do not have something or are missing and in need that often appreciate the slightest glimmer of it.  And what is most interesting to me is that they are often things most of us who have them, don’t really appreciate at all…until they are gone, mostly because we are focused on things that are only distractions and don’t really matter in the end . Maybe it’s the job you hate or the car you drive or the spouse who annoys you. But we all forget those things could be gone so quickly and on the other side we would be left wishing them back…faults, aggravations and all.  I suspect that is how Christmas is for me.  When I was a child I remember the holiday so vividly.  I don’t know that adult life could ever match that which is housed so nicely in my memory.  I remember the lights and the party platters and everyone dressed up. I remember how the air smelled crisp and cold outside but the warmth inside the house against my skin.  I remember the sounds of voices and the Christmas carols playing on the record player (for those of you who don’t know what THAT is…look it up!), the smells and the tastes of amazing nibbles all around me (mom really knew how to serve up a spread).  But most of all I remember family…aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents…all together in the same house.  As a child you don’t even notice all the petty bickering (although I suspect there was some of that!).  You simply remember the good stuff.  And as I grew I remember times with friends…going to parties and church on Christmas Eve for the midnight service. For me the holidays were this embrace of love from the people around me.

It had been a tragically long time since I had known that feeling.  I suspected as an adult it was likely unattainable as adulthood carries with it so much baggage and knowledge you don’t have (or can ignore) as a child.  But even in the glaring light of adult arguments and simple agitations there is a light that Christmas brings with it that is unmatched in any other season. Moving away from PA coupled with the jobs that both Jym and I have, holidays got lost in the shuffle.  Along the way I stopped even having feelings for them except possibly slight contempt.  One or both of us was always working. There were many years as of late I expected to be visited by 3 spirits.  We stopped decorating and always used the excuse of time but in the end seeing the lights and being alone was even more depressing than just being alone.  The 80 degrees never helped either. Then there was the gift giving…the endless aggravation of pushing through crowds of rude people to buy things for people who neither needed nor appreciated it and in the end the financial stress of all of it carried on long AFTER the holidays were over.  It also didn’t help to watch the endless marketing of Christmas living in a place like Orlando where the holidays begin before Halloween is even over. For years I struggled in my heart and my head with the concept of the holidays and what was missing for me.

The last few years my family decided to stop exchanging gifts and start just enjoying our time together as our “gift” to each other.  It was truly the best decision we could have made.  The little scraps of time I get with my family members have been so valuable to my heart.  And each time I am able to step back, as if outside myself and just breathe in the experience appreciating every moment. When I look back over all my years of life and all the gifts I have been given there are very few I can actually remember.  I think that is because physical gifts are just things we posses.  They break and decay and are replaced.  But time…time is something we share.  Memories are something that we cherish and keep safe inside our minds & hearts.  We hold those memories close in times when we need to be reminded of what is precious to us. In the end it is all that really matters.  If you don’t believe me try to think about what YOU remember about your holidays past.  (If you can only remember the things and not the gentle deep connections of those you love then I am truly sorry for you as a human being.)

This year I was treated to an extra special “gift” of time when my whole family gathered together in Georgia for my brother’s graduation in mid December.  It is truly the only time I remember ALL of my family being together at the same time and in the same close proximity with ALL of us sitting around a table together.  It was beyond what I imagined it could be.  I was blessed with one whole entire day when we all talked and ate and laughed and reminisced.  It was MY “Christmas”.

There is a reason the Grinch couldn’t steal Christmas from Whoville.  It’s because they knew that the true spirit of the holiday is not about trees or gifts or lights or fancy dinners.  It’s about being together.  And when you are gathered in love every day can be Christmas if you just know how to appreciate it as such.   So this year my Christmas was celebrated a few weeks early, culminating in a tiny movie theatre in Athens, Georgia with 9 of us sitting side by side watching The Hobbit.  I know I’m not in the actual pictures and that is because I was taking them. And the pictures I took with my mind’s eye…I am in all of them…and smiling.

I hope all of you have had the blessing of the true gift of Christmas…time with the ones you love. 

To Boycott or Not to Boycott...That is the Question

Well where to go after that last one.  If you are looking for the entry on the facts of Gay Marriage scroll down one entry.  I still haven’t fully embraced the blog technology…

In my quest for my next entry I have considered many topics but it’s been difficult to follow up the last one apparently.  This topic is one I considered on my own then was suggested to me and has a connection to my previous post so I guess I can’t ignore all the cosmic draw.  I also feel that this is a topic I had to think long and hard about myself the last few weeks and make many considerations on where I stand and how I feel.  It has forced me to think about my own realities and I suspect that is the only reason I would blog about anything.  So this blog entry is a little about boycotts in general and more specifically my feelings on the Chick-Fil-A issue at hand.

The first thing I would like to say as a general statement is that I do not personally believe boycotts work.  If you refer to history I think that they tend to only draw attention to the company and often backfire.  The problem with an actual boycott of a product or company is that MOST of the people who will actually stand by that boycott are usually either a very small group of activists and/or a bunch of people who do not ever and have not ever used said product.   Boycotts at their core are designed to put the hurt on a company financially and to destroy their public image.  Although I believe it is very easy to destroy the public’s image of a company it is more difficult to actually hurt them financially.

In concept, the boycott theory should work.  The reason I feel that they DON’T work is because most people are not willing to give up the things they enjoy long-term or even short term in a lot of cases when it comes to principles.  Take for example the ridiculous boycott of Disney by the Baptists.  Disney, love it or hate it, is a company that is engrained deeply in the hearts and lives of millions of people.  Disney products, parks, shows etc. are a huge part of most families’ daily lives.  I sort of laughed at the boycott picturing people standing up on their soap boxes talking about how they were going to boycott the hell out of Disney…until 3 months from now when they have their family vacation planned…then they are going to strap on the mouse ears and drop thousands of dollars like everyone else.  Most people are not willing to sacrifice their happiness and joy for principle. And the ones who are, are simply not enough to make a dent.  If you think boycotts work, ask yourself a few questions.  What was the last product you boycotted and how often BEFORE the boycott did you actually use that product?  How long were you able to stand by your boycott?  If you are answering that the product you boycotted was one you hardly used or even NEVER used, then your personal boycott of the product is more for show than for actual affect.  It is very easy to stand up against things when giving them up doesn’t really affect your life. For a boycott to work, money that goes to the company needs to be withheld in large sums.  If none of your money ever went to that company it isn’t going to affect their bottom line.  I used to know someone who never traveled anywhere ever and after 911, when the airline industry panicked over the possibility of people being afraid to fly, made the remark that SHE was not going to fly!  HELLO.  You don’t fly NOW!  You have NEVER flown.  It was the irrational fear of people who rarely if ever flew who were saying they would never fly again that were such a loud voice but common sense dictates that those people don’t really matter.  People like me who love to travel and find value in flight would not for a moment consider not flying again.  I understand that was not a boycott situation but it is comparable in that it was a situation where the people’s opinions and fears could have financially affected an entire industry…but didn’t in actuality.

I also believe that people’s degree of outrage varies in each situation.  For example if you ARE gay the Chick-fil-A boycott might be something that hits home with you very deeply.  The mere idea that putting one dollar down on the counter of a company where you feel even a penny of that money could go toward a fight to restrict your rights as a HUMAN BEING is a pretty big deal.  But to someone who just supports the cause and isn’t having to live it every day might not find it even a blip on their radar.  And I must preface everything that I am saying here with the fact in this particular case I feel your outrage and fully understand it. I do not want for one moment anyone feeling I am not being sympathetic to the cause (if you feel that way refer to the entry below this). I fully respect your right and choice to not patronize any company that doesn’t respect your human rights. I am sure that even the thought of going to Chick-fil-A again makes you sick and that is absolutely understandable. But choose to not go there for that reason, not because you think you might affect change in them.  You won’t. When it comes to enacting actual change there are different paths.  I am just saying I am not sure boycotts themselves are always the most effective way to use your time.

I am also not saying that boycotts do not serve a purpose.  They bring out into the open knowledge that people usually have a right to know so that they can base their financial choices on facts.   But I believe this can be accomplished without actually calling for a boycott. 

I think the problem with the Chick-Fil-A boycott, and where it went hideously wrong, was that people took it as an affront to their Christianity.  People who are religious tended to feel as if this was somehow an attack on their religion which was not the case.  And ironically they were steered to that conclusion by guess who?  Immediately the very people who had fallen into the media spotlight for their own bad behavior had pulled a switcheroo and had people rallying behind them on their “Christian” bandwagon.  I am convinced that many of the people who were seemingly siding with the owners of Chick-fil-A were only do so because they thought it was a way to blindly show their support for their religion and not because they genuinely believe in or even understand what they were fighting AGAINST.   I found it interesting that they were able to spin the media hype in their favor and completely deflect the actual subject at hand with their smoke and mirrors.  Although it’s often hard to get people to stand behind bigotry it is very easy to get people to rally for their religion. I believe sadly many of these people are misinformed and misguided.  No one is telling you that you can’t believe what you want.  They are only asking for the rights to be treated as equals in the eyes of the law.  They are not attacking your religion.  They are attacking the prejudice that is keeping them from their right to equality.  If you understood that you could go back to your silent bigotry and at least not invade people’s lives with it.

In that vein, there was a photo quote going around during the Chick-fil-A mess on FB that I simply must address.  It shows how the radical Christian front can use what on the surface SEEMS like they are good and kind, loving people but underneath reveals something very different.  This quote appears harmless enough and apparently made enough sense to some people to post it.  But it really sticks in my craw and is at the heart of what I think it wrong with how we are using social media and so I am going to address it here.  This is the quote “Our culture has accepted two huge lies: the first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle you must fear or hate them.  The second is to love someone means you agree with everything that believe or do.  Both are nonsense.  You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.”  On the surface, that quote might seem like a no brainer.  It is obviously someone who thinks that they are defending their religious freedom against the barrage of accusations of veiled prejudice. But if you really analyze what it is saying you would be shocked at how hurtful this quote actually IS to people.  And I feel people stand behind general horseshit like this because it SOUNDS good to say but deep inside is just another way of shielding what you really believe behind a mask of fake kindness and false tolerance. I will break this down.  The first part refers to “lifestyle”.  Gays do not have a “lifestyle”.  I don’t have a heterosexual lifestyle.  The definition of “lifestyle” refers to attitudes, possessions and habits that one finds fashionable.  People are not gay because it’s fashionable.  It isn't an attitude or a habit.  It is who they are. That being said let’s just pretend the person who said this is ignorant of that.  The second part of that sentence refers to “hate” and “fear”.  I don’t believe people who actively take a stance against being gay are afraid in any way.  You aren’t afraid, you are just an ignorant, thoughtless jackass.  In regards to the “hate” reference in that sentence… I think that a lot of people who are against gay rights are not full of hatred, just ignorance.  (And I am using that term to reference a lack of knowledge not as a derogatory slur.)  Where I see hatred expressed is in people’s FB posts.  (which, by the way, is the most passive aggressive thing you can do…steal someone else’s quotes, not have the balls to have your own and then to post those hateful things to see how many people can agree with you with complete disregard for the people you are hurting... maybe because in your small mind you actually think that since you aren’t addressing them DIRECTLY it won’t be considered hateful.) To me if you don’t hate someone why do you feel the need to post negative things about them and their supposed “lifestyle”?  That sure as hell isn’t love!!  The second part of the quote “(the second lie)…to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do” Obviously on the surface that is true.  Your friend might be addicted to crack but you could still love them.  Or your friend might be an uninformed, ignorant bigot but you might still try to love them.  The part of the sentence I take issue with is that again it refers to being gay in reference to “belief” and what they “do”.  It does not actively address that this is all and 100% about who a person IS…inside.  Being gay is not a BELIEF…like your religion.  It is not something someone chooses to DO like boating.  By the implication that it is, you degrade and belittle someone at the very core of their soul.  It is like asking them to change the color of their skin.   The last sentence…  “You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate” again seems like common sense on the surface…using a lot of big words all together in one sentence.  No you do not have to compromise your convictions (i.e. your religious beliefs) to still be a compassionate person. In fact as your religion dictates your convictions should be directly connected to your compassion.  But I ask you…do you balance both of those?  Or do you try to force your convictions on others instead of seeking compassion?  If you posted a bunch of photos and quotes against the gays community on your FB page YOU ARE trying to force your convictions on others. (and before someone says I am doing the same thing by posting my support for the gay community.  I will refer you to the fact that I did not post one single photo or quote against Christianity and did not even deal with the entire Chick-fil-A mess until almost a week of watching all the hate posts at which point I posted MY OWN WORDS in DEFENSE of my FRIENDS) And as far as the compassionate part…if you have even ONE gay friend and you posted even ONE nasty derogatory post you are NOT being compassionate…even if that quote or post was DISGUISED as support for your religious beliefs.  I look at this sentence very differently when it exists outside the intention of the original quote…In fact it can be viewed in quite the opposite way.  I don’t feel I have to compromise one bit who I am spiritually to have compassion and love for my gay friends.  In fact I think that considering my gay friends equal and hoping for their equality in the eyes of the law fits very well with the equality MY GOD affords to ALL human beings. My convictions are intact and perfectly aligned with my compassion for equal treatment.  When someone posts political crap on FB and you don’t agree with it no one takes offense to it as an attack on who they are.  This situation is so different from that.  It is the equivalent of posting a quote or photo raving about the benefits of concentration camps for your Jewish friends to see or maybe something about how we should reinstate slavery for the viewing of all your black friends.  As abhorrent as that would be, it is EXACTLY what you are doing to a gay friend you supposedly care about when you go so far as to post such things in a public forum. You are saying someone is less than you. And you are saying it to the world.  Now I understand why this quote was written and I am not giving credence to who is claiming to have said it for the simple reason that I do graphics and I know how easy it is to write your own bullshit and slap it over the face of a celebrity simply to give it credibility. But it is obvious to me that it addresses in its simplest form what is at the heart of this Chick-fil-A issue for a lot of people.  People need to justify their own beliefs.  If the church is telling you that being gay is wrong and you believe that then fine.  But do you seriously need to be so vocal about it?  You can believe what you believe from the privacy of your own home.  But when you lay out hatred and bigotry over and over you have to know how hurtful your words and actions are to people you have professed to call friend.

Anyhoo…Where was I??  Got all side tracked…Oh yes the Boycott.  The issues I have with boycotts in general are numerous. If you dig deep enough into any company you will find an unsavory person or people who are giving money to a cause you don’t agree with.  But just like in the Chick-fil-A case there are a lot of businesses that are intertwined with Chick-fil-A that are indeed on the other side of the anti-gay fence.  Just like Chick-fil-A can’t limit its suppliers to only Christian bigots likewise it is next to impossible for each of us to limit our expenditures to only companies that support our beliefs. It is a delicate balance of choice we all have.  And we, each on our own, need to decide what is egregious enough to require our own personal boycotts. 

Another issue I have with the concept of a boycott is that it calls into question who is actually being hurt by said boycott.  There are the innocents.  The employees of the companies you choose to not patron.  For example, if the Disney boycott had worked at all (which is laughable…and Disney laughed all the way to the bank on that one…thanks Baptists!) it would have affected more than half the households of the people around me including my own.  The employees of a company are NOT the company.  Their beliefs are not always, if EVER, that of the owners or their bosses. (In fact I am throwing up a little in my mouth at the thought of that one on a personal level.)  But it isn’t just about the financial pain for these employees, it’s the emotional as well.  I knew Baptists that actually worked at Disney during the boycott.  How confusing is that?  How do you keep your job and your religion?  Luckily the people I knew were not stupid enough to buy into that boycott and even as religious people, had the common sense to ascertain that what their church was asking of them was absurd.  (Maybe more people should take note of that…just because the church says it doesn’t mean you have to actively agree with it) It is in the same vein that I do not believe that every Chick-fil-A, as independently owned, would all support the same beliefs as the heads of the company.  I also believe that there are gay employees at many of these locations.  I know, OMG!  Do I believe that there are owners who discriminate against hiring outwardly gay employees?  YES.  Absolutely there are but there are also ones who DON’T.  I suspect that same behavior goes on in many companies. As many of you know I was a huge Chick-fil-A girl. I can’t help it, I like chicken.  Long before any of this came out I was frequenting said Chicken restaurant numerous times a week…say in many cases 5 days a week (Don’t tell my diet).  I had gotten to know a lot of the employees there who always greet me with a smile and know my order.   I thought about them and how difficult it must be for them to even go to work with such a media frenzy occurring on their doorstep. 

But let’s just say for the sake of argument that everyone who works there is secretly in the same haters club…that when you apply you have to take a blood oath to hate gays. By not going there I feel like it almost gives them what they most love…a private world without gays…and lots of tasty tiny little chickens.  They win!  I think it’s so much better to make them uncomfortable.  To have to SERVE you.  To feel the oppressive heat of your existence on their doorstep.  To have to share their air with yours. I would imagine someone so repulsed by someone who is gay might be terribly uncomfortable to have to smile and be at your service.  To have to exist for that one moment with you face to face with their own hatred.  You can still go to Chick-fil-A and actively support companies that support gay rights and do it all while annoying the hell out of anyone who doesn’t like gays.  It’s a win/win. I’ll have a large coke boys…change is a comin’.

When all is said and done, I feel like we are wasting a lot of time on the chicken battle ground and to me focusing on what 2 ignorant wealthy jackasses do with their money is unproductive and ill managed.  Their minds will not be changed even if their business in some way did suffer. Where the real battle needs to be fought, and all our energy needs to be squarely focused, is on changing the law so that all the money these people have spent supporting hate groups will be wasted and their voices will fall into silent anonymity where they belong.

But not all is lost at the foot of the boycott.  I believe that this media storm of coverage has made people think about their own stance and its made people, maybe if for only a moment, stand up and be a voice…either for good or evil.  It has drawn unmistakable lines, sadly between friends but often they are lines that have opened all our eyes for a moment.  It has joined people together on a common battlefield. It has raised voices where there were none before.   It has weeded the garden for many of friends not worthy and it has strengthened and reaffirmed other friendships.  

After a good week of contemplating where I stood on this issue and really considering how I felt about my own personal return to Chick-Fil-A a decision had been made.  I sat outside like the Grinch staring down at who-ville ready to ruin the feast.  Watching car after car filled with happy Christians waiting for their tasty Jesus chicken.  I was not going to make my stand from far away or from the side lines of a protest anymore.   My opinion counts as much as theirs and in my usual loud, unrelenting style I pulled through the drive through, slaped a gay flag on my dashboard, cranked up the song “Uprising” on my radio and proceeded to make kissy faces at the cashier.  No Ok I didn’t do THAT…it was a guy…and I’m pretty sure he was gay. 

Gay Marriage...The FACTS

Whether you agree with gay marriage or not you should read this and take in the FACTS on the situation.  I have tried to address the numerous arguments I have heard against the gay community. If you have any other arguments I would love to debate them with you.  I hope that after you read this you will be able to look into your heart and find compassion.  I will preface all I am about to say with the fact that I am a heterosexual married female (for those of you who don't know me.) I am also a Christian...but not the judgmental hateful kind.  I do not have a personal stake in this fight other than to live in a world with less hatred and more equality. 

Argument #1: “But my Bible says right here that being gay is wrong.  Let me quote you some passages.”

Response: You can quote Bible verses til the cows come home but the FACTS are as follows.  It is NOT a REQUIREMENT of anyone taking vows to be religious at ALL much LESS to be a Christian. In fact you can worship the DEVIL if you like.  You can disregard a belief in God altogether!  The ONLY stipulation you have to gain a marriage license is that you are a man and a woman.  Your Bible verses might be valuable to you but not to others.  The Bible is not the LAW.  The Bible is a book written by flawed men that you CHOOSE to personally give value to.  How would you feel if someone wanted to force you to abide by the rules in another religious work…say the Koran? This is the equivalent of what you are doing…forcing others to live abide by the supposed laws in YOUR religion.  And stop using religion as a shield to mask what is, in its truest form bigoted hate-mongering.

Argument #2: “Marriage is a religious institution.”

Response:  YOUR marriage might be a religious one but it is again NOT A REQUIREMENT.  The GOVERNMENT issues marriage licenses NOT the church. It is not necessary that they be signed or endorsed by ANY religious official at all.  In the state of Florida I can…and WAS married by a notary.  You can even have your friend go ONLINE and get a license to marry you and no religious affiliation whatsoever is required. If you CHOOSE to be married in a church by an anointed one, that is your choice. Or you can be married by Elvis.

Argument #3:  “But if you let gays marry then it will ruin the value of MY marriage.”

Response:  It’s not like someone put their car up on blocks or threw a couch on their lawn.  This isn’t like home values.  If your neighbors are gay it doesn’t bring down YOUR property value.  The quality of your marriage is unaffected and 100% in your control.   Maybe if more people worried about their OWN marriage instead of keeping others from the same, we wouldn’t have such a high divorce rate in this country.

Argument #4: “Blah blah blah… the sanctity of marriage?”

Response:  Really?  Sanctity? Heterosexuals have taken away the true sanctity of marriage, if that even ever existed, a LONG time ago.  Not only do HALF the couples who marry DIVORCE but I can be divorced 20 times and keep going back for more!  Is it really “the one true marriage” if you’ve had more than one?? Furthermore, the ceremony does not require a church or religious anointing of any kind. Hell I don’t even have to say actual vows.  I can make up my own shit to say that has nothing to do with God or promises or even love.  I can have my lavish overdone wedding on TV wearing 3 gowns and then divorce a week later. Sanctity might be something you value in your own wedding (which is perfectly fine and no one is taking away from you) but it again is not a requirement by the law.  Oh and while we are on that subject it also does not affect the sanctity of YOUR marriage if indeed you feel you have that.  In fact if gays are allowed to marry do you know how that will affect your life?  IN NO WAY AT ALL.  Your marriage (or ability to do so as many times as you like and still call yourself SANCTIMONIOUS) will still be intact.

Argument #5: “The gays will make a mockery of marriage.”

Response:  Really…the gays do?  I think I can prove my point in a few words…DOG weddings, Bridezillas, Kim Kardashian, The Bachelor.  We make a complete mockery every day of marriage in this country.  But that’s Ok because we like it!  It entertains us.  As long as it’s a man and a woman we can trash even the concept of marriage in a one hour show.   We don’t need gays to make a mockery of marriage.  Heterosexuals do it every day.

Argument #6: “I just don’t like the gays. I feel like they are always shoving their agenda down my throat.”

Response:  Oh you mean like you are cramming your religion down THEIR throats?   You don’t have to like them.  You don’t have to interact with them.  It’s like avocados.  I don’t like avocados but I’m not going to run screaming from the table if one shows up and I am certainly not going to spend my day making other people hate avocados or try to ban them! You can like what you want.  No one is asking you to LIKE the gays.   All you have to do it ignore them and let them live in peace.  No one is forcing you to go to a gay wedding.  That is your choice.  But again, you have no right to force your opinions on others when it affects their lives.

Argument #7: “We will have to agree to disagree.  This is like politics.” 

Response:  No.  No it is not at all.  We all have an equal stake in politics and our opinions are our own.  By taking a part in an active cause to deny someone rights you strip them of their dignity.  You make them a lesser being than yourself.  You might as well push to enact slavery again.  It is the same thing.  You have no right to impose your views on others to the detriment of an entire group of people.   When it came to slavery it took a war to decide what common sense should have dictated long before that!  Once gay marriage is legal THEN we can agree to disagree on it.  When we are ALL held as equal in the eyes of the law.

Argument #8:  “Gays are not Christians.”

Response:  Not necessarily true. There are plenty of straight people who are not Christians and we let THEM get married!!  (again refer to argument #1) However, you are also wrong that gays can’t be Christians. I know gays who ARE Christians and who have had to endure rejection or live secret lives to continue worshiping.  This reminds me of the origin of the Christian fish.  There was a time when being a Christian required people to worship in secret unsure of who else was worshiping.  The fish symbol was how Christians found safety.  For a gay Christian there is no safety.  I was taught to bring people into the church and not shun them away.  I don’t ever recall a lesson that involved in any way picking and choosing WHO I brought to Christ.  I guess I was misinformed.  I guess what I should have been saying is that you can only come to Christ if you meet his criteria as outlined in the Bible that he did not write!??

Argument #9: “The law says marriage is between a man and a woman.”

Response:  An antiquated law born of religion.  This law can and should be changed with the times (just as slavery was abolished, just as women were made whole and equal to men in the eyes of the law). As we have become more enlightened, we see that some of the laws created by our forefathers in a very different era, need to be altered, but it seems the self-righteous moral minority still holds its rule over any amount of common sense.  Laws are changed every day to accommodate the changing needs of a society.  Gay marriage is a movement whose time has come.

Argument #10: “Being gay is a choice.  They can choose to be straight if they want to get married.”

Response:  First of all who would CHOOSE to be gay in today’s world?  To what end? Who would CHOOSE to be ridiculed by society, abandoned by their own families and friends, have their lives threatened?  Who would CHOOSE to be victims of violence and persecution?  I have gay friends who live in fear every day of losing their jobs if they come out.  Who would CHOOSE that? I had a friend whose parents offered him a larger sum of money to “renounce his gayness.”  I have watched friends forced to live a secret life and tell their families they have a “roommate” for years because they don’t feel a lesbian/gay partnership would be accepted.  I watched a friend die of AIDS unable to tell his own family what he was dying of! Can you even for one moment understand that struggle?  I know people who for YEARS struggled to be something they were simply not…straight…and when they could finally (after of course accepting that they will likely lose their family and friends) come out they blossomed into who they truly are and who they were created to be.  I dated a guy who was struggling with what his parents and his religion told him was right and who he was deep inside.  One day he broke down and cried saying that he has tried for years to date women but it was becoming increasingly more evident that he just had no attraction to women.  He told me he could never tell his family because they made it very clear that they would never accept a gay son.  We sat on his floor and talked all night long.  He expressed how much he wanted to get married and have children and how if he admitted he was gay that hope was over for him FOREVER. I was the first person he uttered those words to…”I’m gay”.  I saw in his eyes how terrified he was at that reality.  I saw how broken he was and how desperate he was to just “be normal”.  How every moment since he was a young child he knew he was different and tried to change and deny who he was but just couldn’t any longer. There was no doubt in my mind after that moment that being gay is NOT a choice.   I am still friends with him to this day and proud to say he has found love with a wonderful man…who he shares his life with but still, after all these years, can’t marry. 

Argument #11:  “God doesn’t approve of gays and they will not be accepted into heaven.”

Response:  You know this how?  Because God spoke to you?  I am pretty sure if you have a little sit down with the creator of the universe he would probably be more concerned with you demoralizing his creations!  After all God doesn’t make mistakes right?  Everyone is created in his image right? I think maybe God would tell you that you have been put on this earth to learn love and acceptance and he is disappointed that you have been unable or unwilling to open your heart to do that and worse yet using his name to justify it all!!  He would tell you that there is NO path through hatred to love.   I think you would be humbled and embarrassed by your bigotry in his mighty presence.

It is absurd to me that we are even having this discussion.  It breaks my heart to see my friends lives destroyed by this.  If you would for one moment take the time to get to know someone who is gay (although I am sure you already do but they are too afraid to tell you they are for fear of your severe judgement!)…if you would open your eyes and look into their lives and see how they have been mistreated and persecuted.  If you could see the pain that you inflict every day on people you don’t even know, you would change your mind.

Many years ago I was in Costa Rica (a very gay friendly country) and I sat intently watching a male couple across from us.  I looked at how they held hands and laughed and looked lovingly into each other’s eyes.  I couldn’t help but think, as I sat there with my own husband holding his hand how lucky I was to be able to openly embrace him…to wear his ring as a symbol of our love and fidelity.  When I saw that couple…their hands were our hands, their laughter was our laughter. I thought of all my gay friends back home and how to enjoy that simple pleasure they would need to LEAVE THE COUNTRY.  It saddened me so deeply that a country like ours with all its wealth and power would choose to use it to step on an entire class of its citizens... to not allow them to openly love, when we certainly allow people to openly hate.  A country, by the way, founded by people fleeing from oppression.  The same oppression we now impose on others! And what is even sadder is that by being a society that denies its citizens the right to show love in an open forum we actually hurt ourselves…ALL of us.  When I was in Europe in high school (MANY years ago) we noticed that people would walk down the street holding hands.  Just regular heterosexual people.  Maybe best friends…maybe a mom and grown daughter.  Men and women alike were seen engaging in this behavior.  We thought it was so cool that WE started to hold hands with each other.  I remember how liberating it felt to be able to express my deep connected friendship by holding hands and have no fear that anyone would view it as inappropriate.  Upon returning to the U.S. I remember a conversation with a friend of how sad it was that we can’t hold hands anymore.  This was a totally friendship based 100% non-sexual form of showing our feelings for each other but something that would NEVER happen in this country because everyone is so homophobic.  By making such a production of what society considers “inappropriate love” we condition OURSELVES to hesitate to express our own love…as mother daughter, father son, friend to friend.  THAT is a loss to ALL of us.  If you think it isn’t then you have never held the hand of a friend and if it makes you shudder to think of it, THAT is how conditioned you have become to society’s judgment.  And to not even be able to consider showing affection to someone you care about is just sad…for you.  Because I know the feeling of being able to fully express emotion and affection and it is liberating and beautiful.

But at the very heart of this issue is something much deeper than just affection and marriage vows.  Anyone can take vows…in front of God or otherwise.  It’s now 100% about those vows being recognized by the government…because along with a marriage license comes a recognition that now by law you are one.  If my husband was in an accident or dying I, as his wife, would be able to visit him in the hospital, to hold his hand, to share our last moments on this earth together.  I would also be able to assist in making decisions about his care and to carry out his wishes.  But NONE of that would be allowed if we were a gay couple. I could be with my partner for 50 years and at the end of their life a parent who disowned them could come back and make care decisions for them!  And worse, by LAW I would not even be recognized as family and could be denied access to even SEE my partner!!  Anyone who thinks that is fair…my god I can’t even fathom someone thinking that is OK!!  Especially not someone reading this who I have accepted into my life and called FRIEND!  I am begging you…pleading with you to see how inhumane this is.  When you rise up against the gay community you fill in all the gaps of love with hatred.  No one is denying your rights to your religion and to your beliefs.  They are only asking for the respect and dignity of being treated as an equal by the law.  Who are you to deny that to them? 

A very vivid memory of mine is my dear friend David and the day he told me he was gay. He said “I have something I need to tell you and when I do you will probably not want to be my friend anymore…” It breaks my heart that in his mind even for a second he wondered if my love and friendship could stand against the pressures of a society hell bent on destroying anyone who was admittedly gay.  I will remember that moment as long as I live.  I will also remember my response to him.  I told him I thought he was going to tell me something awful! I told him that I love and accept him exactly as he is and that my feelings for him have not and will not change.  I then hugged him. And over 20 years later we are still friends and I embrace him and all that he is every day.   What is so sad to me is thinking of ALL my gay friends and knowing that each and every one of them had that moment with me…where they faced me and wondered how they were going to tell me.  Where they took a deep breath and pushed the words from the very bottom of their souls and then waited as if their very breath was frozen, for my reply.  My reply has always been and will always be one of acceptance and love.  And I thank all of them for trusting me enough in that one moment to share with me all they truly are because your lives are all a value and blessing to my soul.  I stand up for you now in this moment.  And one day very soon, I will stand beside you when the walls of the bigots fragile kingdom come crashing down around them and history rights itself.  A day when we will finally be equals in the eyes of the law…Because we have ALWAYS been equals in my eyes AND the eyes of MY God.

The Beginning

For years people have been asking me to blog because apparently I have a hell of a lot to say.  I realize I have quite a strong opinion on pretty much everything I will write about...and most things I don't.  I also understand that some of the people will disagree with me.  I am certainly at all points welcoming debate but I will NOT in any way tolerate hateful or nasty comments.  They will be deleted.  Consider this a warning. I have chosen to start with a subject that is really sticking in my craw lately and one that I am sure will draw much controversy...gay marriage.  But it is my hope that this and all my posts will inspire debate and at least create an open dialogue for people to learn.  And sometimes I will just use comedy and sarcasm and that will be fun too.  This first post however will not be funny and expresses a lot of frustration I have had inside for a long time.  Enjoy...or don't.