Immigration's Epic Fail

When I was a child I used to listen to the Neil Diamond song “America” all the time.  It always made me swell with pride that I lived in the country where everyone wanted to be. It made me think about how lucky I was to be born here where I was free and how others weren't so lucky.  It also made me imagine my ancestors and how they felt as they stepped foot on this free land for the very first time.  As they stood in the mighty shadow of Ellis Island, awaiting their chance, wondering what this new life would hold for them.  How that must have felt to be…as Herman Melville put it…”a thousand noble currents all pouring into one”.  To arrive on its shores with nothing but the clothes on their back and a hope for a new life…a life that I was blessed to have as my birthright because of the braveness of those people who came before me.  Over the course of my life I have been witness to many amazing people who were as brave, maybe more so, than my own ancestors.  People from all over the world coming here for a better life to contribute positively to our society.  These people stood out to me against the canvas of my small town because they were different.

A few years ago someone I had come to know wrote down a short thank you note to his friends and on it the poignant words of his struggle to get to where he was.  “26 years ago, under the cover of darkness, I covertly stepped onto a 30 foot long boat with a small diesel engine along with 38 other Vietnamese boat people.  We were escaping from the Vietnamese Communist regime.  We spent 12 hours wandering in the South Sea of China under storm.  We fought with the angry sea, the same sea that would bury my younger brothers a few years later. We then floated under the hot and sultry sun for 3 days.  We were thirsty and hungry, a glimmer of hope to survive and live in a free country was the only thing we hung onto while facing death…”  His boat was one of the few that actually made it to the shore.  When I read his story written out like that it affected me to the point of tears imagining what he must have gone through.  His story, both heartbreaking and yet triumphant…a story of survival and sheer will to have a better life at all costs and the risk of the greatest sacrifice of all…your own life.  It is what is at the heart of his story that is what I think of when I think about immigration. 

 

My first memories of immigration were of a family in my neighborhood as a young child. For years the quiet of my neighborhood was always disturbed by the government housing that popped up on our doorstep.  Crime and multiple generation welfare recipients mooching off the system, taking everything and giving back nothing.  But these were not immigrants. They were US citizens born and raised.  At the least end were the lazy and at the most were the thieves and criminals.  One day the unit next to our house opened up and we saw a family moving in with 2 small children.  They seemed to have nothing and were quite different from the others there. They were from Vietnam and had escaped the atrocities of their own country and had come here seeking freedom and a better life.  My father, being a Vietnam Vet was sympathetic to his story of survival and our family took them under our wing.  My mother would spend her days teaching the wife how to speak English and in return she would cook us amazing meals from her homeland. Not because we asked her to but because it was not of their character to take things and be less than grateful and to show that gratitude in any way they could.  I remember her making a beautiful hand sewn pillow for my mom to thank her for her kindness.  They had very little yet they gave all they had to offer in gratitude for what they received.  They were the hardest working people I have ever seen wanting nothing but a life here free of the persecution of a place they once called home.  Getting factory jobs, my father saw them being taken advantage of by a corrupt and unethical businessman who got away with paying them a pittance for their work.  He felt helpless to see them treated like that at the hands of wealthy unconscionable scum but for them it was work and it was “fair” in their eyes.  Luckily, within a few short months they were blessed to get jobs in another state and moved there into a house of their own where they could finally live their humble American dream.  Upon their entry into our country they had been placed in the government housing near us only as a transition into their new life as contributing citizens of our country.  The process for them was smooth and nurturing which was a welcome blessing to people who had been so wrongfully treated in their own country.  That was the first time I saw our welfare system in a new light.  To be a hand up and not a hand out…not like the litany of lifers as I liked to call them who had no ambition or desire to contribute to our society.  And sadly I believe that is how most people view immigrants.  That they are all here to mooch off the system and steal our jobs (which by the way can’t happen simultaneously…).  I recognize that for some all they know of immigration is what the media has shown them…lumping everyone into the same category.  I am sure you have seen the recent events on the news where immigrants were referred to as nothing but drug mules.  That is the kind of false hype and plain ignorance that stirs the pot and builds a misrepresentation of an entire group of people.  But for me, immigration has a different face.  Because the immigrants I have come to know in my life are people worthy of being called Americans and more importantly people who have taught me a great deal about what it means to sacrifice one life with the uncertainty of obtaining another.

But now I have come face to face with the devastation that our broken immigration system is causing in the lives of so many people and I can no longer remain silent watching this travesty from the side lines.  It is time America gets a glimpse into what’s ACTUALLY going on behind the curtain of our immigration system.  It is time that we stand together to make this right before one more family’s lives are destroyed at the hands of this bureaucratic boondoggle.  This time, the fight has been brought to my doorstep and I have chosen to stand up as an American and not back down from this battle.  I will now shine the light into the dark seedy underworld of our immigration system so that many may seek to stand with me…for my friends, for our country.  This is their story as I have come to bear witness. 

She was 5 years old playing in the driveway of the home next to the empty plot of land my husband and I had just purchased.  We had just laid a foundation for our new home and came to see the progress.  We stepped from our car and were greeted by happy smiling neighbors gathered in her yard having a barbecue.  They introduced themselves and we shook hands and so was the beginning of a wonderful 13 years with the security of having decent and kind neighbors and friends.   Rachael was a single mom seeking a new life for her and her young daughter far from the pain of a difficult divorce back in England.  Her parents were already here and had their green cards.  They had made their lives here and welcomed and gladly sponsored their daughter and granddaughter on their new path.  Upstanding citizens and successful business owners her parents who dedicated a great deal of their time to volunteering in the community are now the driving force behind a charity that feeds the hungry children of our county called First Friday kids Support Group.  Just like her parents Rachael was a solid salt-of-the-earth person who always gave of herself but never once took anything from the system.  She always paid her own way and worked hard to give her daughter the best life she could.  We got to watch Lauren grow up into a beautiful talented independent young adult thriving in this new life she was given.  She constantly excelled at everything she did including starting her first website at the young age of 14.  She is probably the smartest and most ambitious young lady I have ever had the pleasure to know.  Then, this past spring, all these years later, graduating with honors and in the top 10% of her class holding a 4.38 GPA.  But her life has always been in the dark shadow of her immigration status.  Simple things like being unable to get her driver’s license when she turned 16 like all her friends became impossible.  This broken process robbed her of what should have been a special milestone in every child’s life.   Both her and her mom became all but prisoners in their own home waiting for the system to approve their green card status.  They were unable to travel anywhere or even take a simple vacation.  But Lauren pushed through all of that with a smile knowing that soon she would be over the hump and all would be made right.  She focused on the bigger picture…her graduation and dreams of college.  Excelling far beyond her counterparts Lauren should have been a shoe in for any college but she chose FSU even turning down a scholarship to another school.   It was the school she knew she wanted to go to and then being awarded a Bright Futures Scholarship her future was looking up.  Until she began the process of enrolling in school and found how difficult it would be with no social security number, no access to grants or loans which she desperately needed.  But that was the least of her worries because before that could take its toll the letter arrived from the Immigration department rescinding her mom’s green card and denying her status, forever ending her dreams of not only attending college but now of even staying in the country…the country that is her HOME, the only country she has ever known.  Her story will shock you and what I am about to tell you is how they got to this place and only a not-so-brief summary of the horrors our system has bestowed upon them. This chronology is only SOME of the chaos and unending buffoonery that this family has endured.  Not knowing much about the actual immigration process myself I have poured over countless documents from Rachael’s files trying to understand all of this and piece together the sheer mess that our government has made for them.

Coming here to Florida in 2000 Rachael and Lauren began their lives in America on an E2 Visa status and hopeful for the future ability to get their green cards and eventual naturalization.  They believed this would be their new home forever and returning to England was never a thought.  The sheer corruption of the whole process was revealed to them very early when they inquired about green card status and they were told her parents could not sponsor them until they were naturalized. This proved to be a one of many false statements over the course of the following long years.   So they decided to file for a 5 year E2 Visa.  To assure it was done correctly she chose to use an immigration consultant (who misrepresented himself as a lawyer) who told her if she paid him an additional $1000 he would be able to expedite the process but nothing happened.  She went back and he told her she would have to pay ANOTHER $1000.  When still nothing happened she did some research and found out that he had filed NOTHING on her behalf (yet he was fast to take the $2000 which she did not get back!) She had to go in and demand he hand over the paperwork to her to file.  He told her she couldn't do it herself which turned out to be a lie because she DID file it herself and it was approved.  After renewing their E2 Visa for 5 years they were informed that they could INDEED get green cards with the sponsorship of her parents so even though they had just gotten their 5 year Visa they began the green card process filing at I-130 within the year.  This left an absurd FOUR YEARS of legal Visa status for the government to complete the green card process. Being told the process would take only a MAXIMUM of 2 years they felt they were more than clear and would have green cards for SURE by the end of the Visa status.  Unfortunately the process languished on and on with a virtual unending litany of ridiculous mistakes (ALL on the part of the immigration dept.) resulting in almost constant trips to the Immigration office in Tampa, FL (an hour and half drive from our home).  Trips that for immigrants can result in possible waits of hours in a room where you cannot eat, drink (try that one diabetics!) or (conveniently) use any electronics.  They are searched upon entry to the office and can even been denied entry to the office itself to ask questions which has happened to Rachael!  This feet-dragging slow-playing poppycock became a constant in their lives. Every day was filled with the ridiculous boondoggle of the USCIS.  This also includes but is not limited to the constant filling out of the WRONG forms.  These forms are given to them by the agents.  It’s not like they “chose” the wrong forms…they were given them and told that is what they needed to fill out!  And they filled them out…all of them, every time.  This, along with a barrage of unending fees, would lead to more fees and more forms and still more fees with seemingly no end. Not to mention the abhorrent treatment by the “officers” and staff including yelling and belittling along with being asked demeaning questions as part of the supposed “process”.  I find it interesting that no one can bring in electronics because in my opinion this is a way that they can avoid any of their despicable behavior being taped or any of their lies and misinformation being on record.  To me a government office like that should be transparent and on the record ALWAYS like a court of law and not like it is now which is in effect its own police state devoid of accountability where people can be treated like animals and have no recourse because they are desperate to have their status approved. The great majority of the staff at these facilities is at best lazy, overwhelmed and uneducated about the process and at the worst incompetent power hungry tyrants who just enjoy lording themselves over people they consider to be smaller than themselves.  The few who are kind and seem to sincerely want to help are not trained or knowledgeable enough about the endless bureaucratic stream of paperwork and forms to perform their jobs efficiently and effectively or given the power to fix things when they are wrong.  This can often mean that issues can be handed off to people who have no connection to the problem, nor understand or care about it, often even being in other states!  They were even once given a form and told it was “new” and they “didn’t really know much about it” but she was to fill it out! Are you kidding me??  Maybe before a form is released for use the staff SHOULD know about it and know what it does and what it’s for! This isn’t a car wash!  This is people’s lives!  And maybe while they are at it they could gather up some actual ENGLISH speaking employees!  I realize it is the IMMIGRATION dept. but really?   You should at least make sure your employees are functionally able to speak the English language.   There are actually people who are immigrants who DO speak English.  And at best I am not even sure how employees of the USCIS that don’t have a functional use of the language can even begin to understand the process in front of them!  I am college educated and had problems reading over everything!!  There is no way you can convince me that someone who does not have a functional use of the language should be in a position to comprehend the endless forms and fees and then be able to explain that to immigrants (most of whom DON’T speak much English) in a comprehensive and accurate way!

But the real down fall for Rachael in this process was what occurred as she approached the end of her legal 5 year E2 Visa status.  Obviously the 2 year maximum to get her green card was a joke. After YEARS of waiting and jumping through every hoop, some multiple times, they were in fear of their 5 year E2 Visa expiring and still not having the green card.  She was told twice by agents at the USCIS that once she applied for the I-130 and it was accepted (which occurred when she still had 4 years left on the Visa…July of 2005) she was in the system and it didn't matter if her Visa expired.  Rachael was uncomfortable with that and decided that she would go to the office to inquire about what to do well in advance of its expiration.  She was denied admittance to the facility in Tampa saying her “Visa is still good, go home”.  This is a perfect example of how proactive she was ALWAYS about doing the right thing and how she went above and beyond trying to just do what was asked of her but was constantly up against a system that was broken deep into its core.  As more time passed she got even more uneasy.  She then tried the USCIS office in Orlando and was told that she could apply for an extension to her Visa for “safety”.  For her peace of mind she paid the $1200 and filed for the extension for the 5 year E2 and work permit.  This came back DENIED. When she went to inquire why she was denied they told her that she had failed to provide a document which had been written on the BACK of one of the forms (all forms are usually front side only and stapled).  AND it was a double redundancy item which they could clearly see in the other documents she provided but she apologized for missing that ONE item and said she would gladly provide it and was then told that she only gets ONE CHANCE and she screwed up.  (Really?? Because it seems to me that the USCIS screws up pretty much consistently and THEY are allowed MULTIPLE tries to get it right!! Often not getting it right at ALL!!)  She was yelled at by an agent in the Orlando office in broken English (because apparently the majority of workers at the immigration office appear speak little English and most of which you can’t even understand).  This man (and I use that word LOOSELY) yelled at her something like “You Illegal.  You understand that?  You ILLEGAL.  You get out of country now!!  You ILLEGAL!”  in front of the entire room of people!!  How humiliating! And to yell that at a woman and her child?  What is wrong with these people?  They both left in tears and decided to go to the office in Tampa with her father where she was assured that it didn't matter because she was still in the system for the green card and she would get it soon. They continued to plug along slowly with the I-130 process at this point, always having to chase after people and push to get things moving.  They were then asked to fill out yet another form (I-485 for permanent resident status for another $1010).  The agent who gave her the form gave her 1 form and told her the one amount to pay and it asked for dependents so since Lauren was a dependent Rachael had no reason to question this.  After filing this form Rachael received 2 letters in the mail for her to proceed with bio-metrics.  Both had HER name on them but she assumed that one was for Lauren but in her name since she was the mother. When they showed up for the bio-metrics she was told the one letter was just a duplicate and sent in error (surprise) and Lauren was not in their system! Upon returning home she called and spoke to a seemingly very helpful and kind woman on the phone from USCIS who told her that because Lauren was now over 14 years of age she would need to file her own I-145 so the form she THOUGHT was for both of them in fact only covered HER.  (again not HER mistake.  The agent should have given her the 2 forms but probably didn't know enough about what he was asking her to do). Rachael immediately filled out the form for Lauren and sent another check for $1010 which was returned to them saying they did not include enough payment as the rate had gone up since she paid for hers!  So they wrote ANOTHER check (this time for $1070).  Again more delays but they were assured it was all clerical and would be rectified.  So Rachael’s process began moving along and eventually she was approved for her green card (April 27, 2011) but at the final interview was told she was approved but would have to wait for the actual card until a number became available since her previous Visa has lapsed.  He even went to check with his supervisors before he approved her saying that he wanted to double check that everything was ok with that because he wasn't sure.  But he returned and said all was fine and she was approved! He even offered her the option to fill out ANOTHER form that would enable her to travel…for more money of course (since without a valid Visa at this point she was unable to go anywhere) which she declined since her daughter would still be unable to travel as she was STILL awaiting her green card interview.  (Rachael’s actual card in this case was not issued until August of 2012! That is over a year after she was approved!) This, however, gave them hope that it would not be long until Lauren was also given status. But again the process for Lauren was lagging way behind.  Due to the constant delays in paperwork they actually had to do redo Lauren’s medical screening (to the tune of hundreds of dollars) because the one she had done “expired” while the USCIS took their sweet time.  But eventually AFTER ANOTHER YEAR AND A HALF of screwing around she too completed the process and had her interview (January 7, 2013…only months before her high school graduation which meant that from Kindergarten to graduation Lauren was just as much a citizen here as any of our children!) Note here that the supposed 2 year process that they applied for in 2005 (that is NOT a typo) took almost 8 years to complete!!!  Unacceptable!!  But all of that washed away as Lauren sat at the desk and took her oath and was welcomed to our country.  Being handed her approval papers she finally felt a sense of relief.  After all these years she was going to be able to enjoy all the privileges of her friends…apply for a driver’s license, start applying for college scholarships.  Before leaving, Rachael asked just out of curiosity if the officer could shed some light on exactly why their claims were separated since they are mother and daughter.  This is where her real nightmare began.  The woman looked at her computer screen and then raced out of the room.  Upon her return she took back the paperwork from Lauren!!  She said that there was a minor problem but it was just about “dotting the ‘i’s and crossing the ‘t’s and nothing to worry about”  They said they just wanted to put them together so that they could enjoy the benefit of naturalization together someday.  Even though Rachael thought this unnecessary they seemed unwilling to do it any other way.  But they assured them that it would all be taken care of and it would just take a bit longer…5 days in fact.  18 days later Rachael’s father wrote a letter inquiring what was going on with the process (since they had been told it would be rectified in 5 days and 18 days is almost 4 times that!) Shortly after that, Rachael received a letter from them in the mail with the intent to RESCIND HER green card and deny Lauren’s application!! I would like to tell you for sure what their claims with this were but it is difficult to decipher all the legal jargon and wade through the unending pages of pure horse manure to get to the truth.  What can be surmised is that they claim there was a lapse in her legal status after the E2 extension was denied.  Yet another lawyer said it is her guess (since that is all they have as the USCIS is very careful to never admit their own fault on paper!) that what actually is happening is that because the I-130 and the request for extension were in the system at the same time it appears that she is committing fraud!!  WHAT???  Because she wanted to make sure her legal status was not interrupted??? THEIR agents told her to do that! Every form she filed was at THEIR hands and THEIR request! And she had to conveniently pay fees to do it and I didn't hear anyone complaining about cashing her checks! These are not the actions of someone who was seeking to DEFRAUD the US government.  These were the actions of a mother trying to do what is right for her child and her LEGALLY!  It was about a group of untrained, ill-mannered, couldn’t-care-less, do-nothings that put her in this position!  I find it interesting that people who are getting married to someone they have known for 2 days on the INTERNET are allowed to bring over their NEW BRIDES from other countries no questions asked and get them green cards and then divorce months later as free and legal citizens actually ARE committing fraud but that is OK!  Do you know that Rachael was told numerous times during this process to just “get married” AND to marry off LAUREN (who was a CHILD!!!!) and that would secure their residency!?  Do you know that she was told of ways to “buy” her green card…for example…putting $10,000 cash into a doughnut shop bag in a certain location and her green card would magically appear??! She was constantly told of unscrupulous charlatans that would make this all go away. Yet Rachael chose none of those options.  She wanted to be a LEGAL citizen of this country and never considered not going by the book.  Well the BOOK is poorly written and even more poorly read my friends!  So after this blow of the ‘Intent to Rescind’ letter Rachael was devastated.  Horrified by this turn of events, they inquired what they could do to fight this and were told that for yet MORE money they could file an appeal within 30 days!  They did that and put together a HUGE packet detailing the mistakes and egregious errors that the USCIS had made through the entire process, all her detailed information and letters from friends and family set in a HUGE 3 ring binder complete with summary and colored tabs to direct anyone who wanted to look very clear access to EVERYTHING.  But when the package arrived at the USCIS, they removed and CASHED the check, then pulled everything that was neatly organized from her binder, crammed it in an envelope and returned it to her a jumbled mess saying they couldn't process it because there was “no notice of denial in their system”  WHAT???  Again they had no problem cashing that check as fast as it hit their hot little hands, before even checking her status!!  At that point Rachael’s father who was the petitioner went to Tampa and scheduled a meeting where he was told that OOPS it WAS in the system “somewhere” but it had not reached THEIR office yet.  This is another example of one hand not knowing what the other is doing!!  So they RESUBMITTED all the papers for the appeal.  They were told that they can see all the errors that were made and that they can see they are a good family and decent people hopefully their superiors would have empathy for their situation as they do.  They were told it would take 30 days for the appeal.  Last week after 113 days…almost 4 times what it should have taken (and they sure as hell weren't going over their documents with a fine tooth comb because no one could look at the absolute absurdities and not realize a terrible mistake has been made!!) their appeal was DENIED, Rachael’s green card was rescinded leaving them now as illegal aliens eligible for deportation from our country.  Anyone with a bit of common sense and a brain can discern that what has occurred here is nothing short of a travesty.

I always hear people talk about Immigration Reform and I really don’t know what they mean by that.  To some people “reform” means closing our borders to any one from another country who wants to come here for a better life and even deporting those who are already here. That is an absurd and selfish concept to me.  Unless you are of Native American descent your lineage is NOT that of this country.  At some point your ancestors came here to this country seeking a better life in some way, shape or form.  You have NO right to deny a better life to anyone because you have been allowed the precious gift of freedom yourself even if it was at the hands of your ancestors.  When I first moved to Florida I had a neighbor who had emigrated from Russia.  Born on the 4th of July in the former Soviet Union he was an inspiration to all who met him.  He had written a beautiful letter about his experiences growing up under the Communist regime and then transitioning into perestroika and all the chaos that came with that process.  He was an eloquent writer and of the many things I took from his journey one really stands out to me now…”The years I have spent in America have strengthened my conviction that this is the country of my future.  We cannot choose the country of our birth just as we cannot choose our parents. I will neither forget nor disavow my country and the people who are dear to me, but I am prepared for my new life in America.  It is my destiny”.   As with all my immigrant friends over the years I have come to feel humbled in their presence.   They did not choose to be born into their country, as WE have not CHOSEN to be born into OURS, but they did choose to fight for more in a new one…THIS one.  They chose to give up everything they knew to be born again into a new life here in our country. 

I have never felt threatened by immigration or worried an immigrant would “steal” my job.  A candle does not diminish its light by lighting another candle.  This country is to be shared and I share it proudly with anyone who is willing to work hard and be my equal.  I have heard people point at the dirty men picking oranges in the fields near my house and say horrible things about them being job thieves.  REALLY?  Because you wanted so badly to PICK ORANGES for a career???  Then I hear that because these immigrants will work for cheap wages and we won’t, they will get hired over us.  But then in the same breath I hear how they are lazy moochers.  I am pretty sure the people in those fields dirty and covered in scratches working long hard hours traveling where the work is are neither lazy nor moochers.  They are people who want a better life than they had.  A safer life.  I think possibly immigrants appreciate our country in a way we never can.  It is through their eyes that we can see the desperation of need.  We don’t have that in our eyes because we have been born into those gifts.  We should bow our own heads in embarrassment for even thinking such thoughts of people we don’t even know…whose “stories” we have made up in our own heads to suit our purposes.  Oh there are the bad seeds.  Do not get me wrong.  I recognize that along with this broken system comes corruption and greed and there are those who have come about their place here wrongly.  But it is not ALL of them.  It is not the poor field workers who struggle to make what is not even a living wage doing jobs that are hard and back breaking.  It is the ones who live 15 in a house stealing their neighbors cable and all collecting welfare, food stamps and free medical care that we should be concerned with.  NOT those who are working to support themselves and live an honest life.  Do you know that Rachael and her daughter have NEVER had or been in any way entitled to healthcare even through her job?  If they needed a doctor they paid…full price.  So it is a myth and farce that all the aliens are just being handed everything.  Rachael has been handed nothing and she has taken nothing.  Yet she is the one we don’t see.  She is the REAL face of immigration here. 

I remember when I was young being told this was a melting pot and that I lived in the greatest nation in the world.  One where people from any country would be proud to call home. Now I am not even proud to call it home.  I am embarrassed at how we behave and how we allow these atrocities to continue and all because it doesn't really affect us right?  I mean if you were born here then who cares about these people who weren't, right?  They should just all go back where they came from and who the hell cares what happens to them, right?  WRONG.  Where has our human compassion gone???  This land is a tapestry made up of millions of tiny threads of all different colors and the more colors the better.  If we all contribute to that canvas with our gifts and talents what a beautiful world this could be.  No one “owns” this country.  It is a country by the people, for the people.  ALL people.  Good, decent people.  And for those bad apples that are spoiling it then it is THOSE we cast out.  It is not the people who are going through this process legally that are the problem.  It is the people who are using the vastness of the corruption of this system to work it for their own gain.  That includes the immigrants, the lawyers, the consultants and the USCIS itself all the way down to the core of this fractured organization.  It is the unscrupulous, unfeeling lowlife scum that take advantage of the loopholes and vulnerability in the system that are the problem. It is the people who work outside the law with those who are impervious to it who are making a mockery of this system.  It is the deep rotted innards of the carcass that is our immigration department that foul and sully the process.  It is NOT the good, kind, hard-working decent people of this world that are only asking for a chance at a new life.  Just as OUR ancestors once did.  What if YOUR ancestors were turned away?  What if no one stood up for them?  What would have become of them…and subsequently you?

This is nothing that a tiny bit of common sense can’t fix.  Surely we should be able to look at the paperwork of a woman and her child and see their longstanding history with this country.  Surely we can see that at no point did she hide her existence from the agency.  She was always vocal and upfront about where she was and what she was doing even going to exceptional lengths to make things legal and right.  They checked their status numerous times a WEEK during the entire process! Surely we can see there on paper that she paid all their fees, filled out all their ridiculous forms, hid NOTHING from them.  She resisted all the illegalities that were suggested to her by these supposed upholders of the law to make sure she was doing this by the book.  Yet we cast HER aside.  While those who have bought their way into a green card through illegal means or fake weddings manage to squeeze our system like a grapefruit for all they can get living off the backs of the people.  And THOSE are the stories we hear.  Those are the stories that have stripped us of our compassion as a united people.  It is NOT the stories of good people who are as much citizens and we are, going through what is a pathetic excuse for a process. Those are the stories people NEED to hear.  It is stories like Rachael and Lauren’s and like my other friends that should be at the forefront of this fight.  It is THOSE stories that should unite us and burn a fire under us.  It is THOSE stories that should reignite the passion of what this country stands for…what it was built upon.  It should raise up that foundation under our feet and allow us to stand strong for each other…for our nation…for our HUMANITY!!

Nothing that can ever be done can make immigration a perfect process but it can be repaired.  In my eyes those repairs start with a total strip down of the system and that includes proper and thorough training of employees, a simplified process that everyone can understand not filled with pages of legal jargon that even a college educated person can’t deconstruct.  It means cleaning house of the entire Immigration Department.  Those that want to learn and be a positive force can do so and the rest should be fired…cast out as those that have come to them begging for rights have been at THEIR hands.  The lawyers and consultants should be investigated and held accountable for the lies and money schemes and no longer be able to use their privilege and standing to circumvent the law for their own financial gain.  In fact there should be a whole department that does nothing but expose corruption from every angle and weed out the true illegals and by that I don’t mean everyone with no current status.  I mean the people who have come about their status by illegal means and shortcuts. The days of allowing the rampant corruption and abuse of this Dystopia need to be over.  But I believe that true reform will come only at the hands of this country’s citizens requesting…no DEMANDING…a complete overhaul of the entire immigration system.  But that does not mean slamming our borders shut and kicking out the people who have become a solid part of this country.  THOSE immigrants embody the true essence of what an American is in my eyes.  What our ancestors intended America to be.  A great land made up of people from all over bringing to the table their unique talents and gifts to build a stronger more solid society…to make us all more worldly, more compassionate…to restore our country to the once great and powerful world leader it once was.

At the end of the song “America” the word ‘today’ is repeated…”they’re coming to America…today”  and each time the word is spoken it gets softer and softer until it is merely a whisper exasperated against the softness of the song.  Sadly I think that is what has happened with immigration.  Its triumphant uplifting passionate cry is being drown out to a whisper by a process that is broken and people who seek to defraud.  It is all that is left for the honest, good-hearted and genuine people who come here seeking only the chance to contribute and grow and prosper.  It is up to us…those with common sense…those of us with courage in our spirits and bravery in our souls to stand up and make sure that ‘Today’ is lifted up and shouted clearly and never again reduced to a whisper.    

Christmas...the REAL gift

Something I used to love about volunteering was that it enabled me to see what I consider an ordinary life through the eyes of someone who could appreciate every minute as something rare and gifted to them.  It would remind me always for a brief moment how precious and irretrievable moments could be.  It was a time when I could stand, even for only a brief time, outside myself and see the exact same things I found mundane and regimented with new light and meaning.  I have recently had that experience with Christmas.

I think a cruel irony in life is that it is those who do not have something or are missing and in need that often appreciate the slightest glimmer of it.  And what is most interesting to me is that they are often things most of us who have them, don’t really appreciate at all…until they are gone, mostly because we are focused on things that are only distractions and don’t really matter in the end . Maybe it’s the job you hate or the car you drive or the spouse who annoys you. But we all forget those things could be gone so quickly and on the other side we would be left wishing them back…faults, aggravations and all.  I suspect that is how Christmas is for me.  When I was a child I remember the holiday so vividly.  I don’t know that adult life could ever match that which is housed so nicely in my memory.  I remember the lights and the party platters and everyone dressed up. I remember how the air smelled crisp and cold outside but the warmth inside the house against my skin.  I remember the sounds of voices and the Christmas carols playing on the record player (for those of you who don’t know what THAT is…look it up!), the smells and the tastes of amazing nibbles all around me (mom really knew how to serve up a spread).  But most of all I remember family…aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents…all together in the same house.  As a child you don’t even notice all the petty bickering (although I suspect there was some of that!).  You simply remember the good stuff.  And as I grew I remember times with friends…going to parties and church on Christmas Eve for the midnight service. For me the holidays were this embrace of love from the people around me.

It had been a tragically long time since I had known that feeling.  I suspected as an adult it was likely unattainable as adulthood carries with it so much baggage and knowledge you don’t have (or can ignore) as a child.  But even in the glaring light of adult arguments and simple agitations there is a light that Christmas brings with it that is unmatched in any other season. Moving away from PA coupled with the jobs that both Jym and I have, holidays got lost in the shuffle.  Along the way I stopped even having feelings for them except possibly slight contempt.  One or both of us was always working. There were many years as of late I expected to be visited by 3 spirits.  We stopped decorating and always used the excuse of time but in the end seeing the lights and being alone was even more depressing than just being alone.  The 80 degrees never helped either. Then there was the gift giving…the endless aggravation of pushing through crowds of rude people to buy things for people who neither needed nor appreciated it and in the end the financial stress of all of it carried on long AFTER the holidays were over.  It also didn’t help to watch the endless marketing of Christmas living in a place like Orlando where the holidays begin before Halloween is even over. For years I struggled in my heart and my head with the concept of the holidays and what was missing for me.

The last few years my family decided to stop exchanging gifts and start just enjoying our time together as our “gift” to each other.  It was truly the best decision we could have made.  The little scraps of time I get with my family members have been so valuable to my heart.  And each time I am able to step back, as if outside myself and just breathe in the experience appreciating every moment. When I look back over all my years of life and all the gifts I have been given there are very few I can actually remember.  I think that is because physical gifts are just things we posses.  They break and decay and are replaced.  But time…time is something we share.  Memories are something that we cherish and keep safe inside our minds & hearts.  We hold those memories close in times when we need to be reminded of what is precious to us. In the end it is all that really matters.  If you don’t believe me try to think about what YOU remember about your holidays past.  (If you can only remember the things and not the gentle deep connections of those you love then I am truly sorry for you as a human being.)

This year I was treated to an extra special “gift” of time when my whole family gathered together in Georgia for my brother’s graduation in mid December.  It is truly the only time I remember ALL of my family being together at the same time and in the same close proximity with ALL of us sitting around a table together.  It was beyond what I imagined it could be.  I was blessed with one whole entire day when we all talked and ate and laughed and reminisced.  It was MY “Christmas”.

There is a reason the Grinch couldn’t steal Christmas from Whoville.  It’s because they knew that the true spirit of the holiday is not about trees or gifts or lights or fancy dinners.  It’s about being together.  And when you are gathered in love every day can be Christmas if you just know how to appreciate it as such.   So this year my Christmas was celebrated a few weeks early, culminating in a tiny movie theatre in Athens, Georgia with 9 of us sitting side by side watching The Hobbit.  I know I’m not in the actual pictures and that is because I was taking them. And the pictures I took with my mind’s eye…I am in all of them…and smiling.

I hope all of you have had the blessing of the true gift of Christmas…time with the ones you love. 

To Boycott or Not to Boycott...That is the Question

Well where to go after that last one.  If you are looking for the entry on the facts of Gay Marriage scroll down one entry.  I still haven’t fully embraced the blog technology…

In my quest for my next entry I have considered many topics but it’s been difficult to follow up the last one apparently.  This topic is one I considered on my own then was suggested to me and has a connection to my previous post so I guess I can’t ignore all the cosmic draw.  I also feel that this is a topic I had to think long and hard about myself the last few weeks and make many considerations on where I stand and how I feel.  It has forced me to think about my own realities and I suspect that is the only reason I would blog about anything.  So this blog entry is a little about boycotts in general and more specifically my feelings on the Chick-Fil-A issue at hand.

The first thing I would like to say as a general statement is that I do not personally believe boycotts work.  If you refer to history I think that they tend to only draw attention to the company and often backfire.  The problem with an actual boycott of a product or company is that MOST of the people who will actually stand by that boycott are usually either a very small group of activists and/or a bunch of people who do not ever and have not ever used said product.   Boycotts at their core are designed to put the hurt on a company financially and to destroy their public image.  Although I believe it is very easy to destroy the public’s image of a company it is more difficult to actually hurt them financially.

In concept, the boycott theory should work.  The reason I feel that they DON’T work is because most people are not willing to give up the things they enjoy long-term or even short term in a lot of cases when it comes to principles.  Take for example the ridiculous boycott of Disney by the Baptists.  Disney, love it or hate it, is a company that is engrained deeply in the hearts and lives of millions of people.  Disney products, parks, shows etc. are a huge part of most families’ daily lives.  I sort of laughed at the boycott picturing people standing up on their soap boxes talking about how they were going to boycott the hell out of Disney…until 3 months from now when they have their family vacation planned…then they are going to strap on the mouse ears and drop thousands of dollars like everyone else.  Most people are not willing to sacrifice their happiness and joy for principle. And the ones who are, are simply not enough to make a dent.  If you think boycotts work, ask yourself a few questions.  What was the last product you boycotted and how often BEFORE the boycott did you actually use that product?  How long were you able to stand by your boycott?  If you are answering that the product you boycotted was one you hardly used or even NEVER used, then your personal boycott of the product is more for show than for actual affect.  It is very easy to stand up against things when giving them up doesn’t really affect your life. For a boycott to work, money that goes to the company needs to be withheld in large sums.  If none of your money ever went to that company it isn’t going to affect their bottom line.  I used to know someone who never traveled anywhere ever and after 911, when the airline industry panicked over the possibility of people being afraid to fly, made the remark that SHE was not going to fly!  HELLO.  You don’t fly NOW!  You have NEVER flown.  It was the irrational fear of people who rarely if ever flew who were saying they would never fly again that were such a loud voice but common sense dictates that those people don’t really matter.  People like me who love to travel and find value in flight would not for a moment consider not flying again.  I understand that was not a boycott situation but it is comparable in that it was a situation where the people’s opinions and fears could have financially affected an entire industry…but didn’t in actuality.

I also believe that people’s degree of outrage varies in each situation.  For example if you ARE gay the Chick-fil-A boycott might be something that hits home with you very deeply.  The mere idea that putting one dollar down on the counter of a company where you feel even a penny of that money could go toward a fight to restrict your rights as a HUMAN BEING is a pretty big deal.  But to someone who just supports the cause and isn’t having to live it every day might not find it even a blip on their radar.  And I must preface everything that I am saying here with the fact in this particular case I feel your outrage and fully understand it. I do not want for one moment anyone feeling I am not being sympathetic to the cause (if you feel that way refer to the entry below this). I fully respect your right and choice to not patronize any company that doesn’t respect your human rights. I am sure that even the thought of going to Chick-fil-A again makes you sick and that is absolutely understandable. But choose to not go there for that reason, not because you think you might affect change in them.  You won’t. When it comes to enacting actual change there are different paths.  I am just saying I am not sure boycotts themselves are always the most effective way to use your time.

I am also not saying that boycotts do not serve a purpose.  They bring out into the open knowledge that people usually have a right to know so that they can base their financial choices on facts.   But I believe this can be accomplished without actually calling for a boycott. 

I think the problem with the Chick-Fil-A boycott, and where it went hideously wrong, was that people took it as an affront to their Christianity.  People who are religious tended to feel as if this was somehow an attack on their religion which was not the case.  And ironically they were steered to that conclusion by guess who?  Immediately the very people who had fallen into the media spotlight for their own bad behavior had pulled a switcheroo and had people rallying behind them on their “Christian” bandwagon.  I am convinced that many of the people who were seemingly siding with the owners of Chick-fil-A were only do so because they thought it was a way to blindly show their support for their religion and not because they genuinely believe in or even understand what they were fighting AGAINST.   I found it interesting that they were able to spin the media hype in their favor and completely deflect the actual subject at hand with their smoke and mirrors.  Although it’s often hard to get people to stand behind bigotry it is very easy to get people to rally for their religion. I believe sadly many of these people are misinformed and misguided.  No one is telling you that you can’t believe what you want.  They are only asking for the rights to be treated as equals in the eyes of the law.  They are not attacking your religion.  They are attacking the prejudice that is keeping them from their right to equality.  If you understood that you could go back to your silent bigotry and at least not invade people’s lives with it.

In that vein, there was a photo quote going around during the Chick-fil-A mess on FB that I simply must address.  It shows how the radical Christian front can use what on the surface SEEMS like they are good and kind, loving people but underneath reveals something very different.  This quote appears harmless enough and apparently made enough sense to some people to post it.  But it really sticks in my craw and is at the heart of what I think it wrong with how we are using social media and so I am going to address it here.  This is the quote “Our culture has accepted two huge lies: the first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle you must fear or hate them.  The second is to love someone means you agree with everything that believe or do.  Both are nonsense.  You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.”  On the surface, that quote might seem like a no brainer.  It is obviously someone who thinks that they are defending their religious freedom against the barrage of accusations of veiled prejudice. But if you really analyze what it is saying you would be shocked at how hurtful this quote actually IS to people.  And I feel people stand behind general horseshit like this because it SOUNDS good to say but deep inside is just another way of shielding what you really believe behind a mask of fake kindness and false tolerance. I will break this down.  The first part refers to “lifestyle”.  Gays do not have a “lifestyle”.  I don’t have a heterosexual lifestyle.  The definition of “lifestyle” refers to attitudes, possessions and habits that one finds fashionable.  People are not gay because it’s fashionable.  It isn't an attitude or a habit.  It is who they are. That being said let’s just pretend the person who said this is ignorant of that.  The second part of that sentence refers to “hate” and “fear”.  I don’t believe people who actively take a stance against being gay are afraid in any way.  You aren’t afraid, you are just an ignorant, thoughtless jackass.  In regards to the “hate” reference in that sentence… I think that a lot of people who are against gay rights are not full of hatred, just ignorance.  (And I am using that term to reference a lack of knowledge not as a derogatory slur.)  Where I see hatred expressed is in people’s FB posts.  (which, by the way, is the most passive aggressive thing you can do…steal someone else’s quotes, not have the balls to have your own and then to post those hateful things to see how many people can agree with you with complete disregard for the people you are hurting... maybe because in your small mind you actually think that since you aren’t addressing them DIRECTLY it won’t be considered hateful.) To me if you don’t hate someone why do you feel the need to post negative things about them and their supposed “lifestyle”?  That sure as hell isn’t love!!  The second part of the quote “(the second lie)…to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do” Obviously on the surface that is true.  Your friend might be addicted to crack but you could still love them.  Or your friend might be an uninformed, ignorant bigot but you might still try to love them.  The part of the sentence I take issue with is that again it refers to being gay in reference to “belief” and what they “do”.  It does not actively address that this is all and 100% about who a person IS…inside.  Being gay is not a BELIEF…like your religion.  It is not something someone chooses to DO like boating.  By the implication that it is, you degrade and belittle someone at the very core of their soul.  It is like asking them to change the color of their skin.   The last sentence…  “You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate” again seems like common sense on the surface…using a lot of big words all together in one sentence.  No you do not have to compromise your convictions (i.e. your religious beliefs) to still be a compassionate person. In fact as your religion dictates your convictions should be directly connected to your compassion.  But I ask you…do you balance both of those?  Or do you try to force your convictions on others instead of seeking compassion?  If you posted a bunch of photos and quotes against the gays community on your FB page YOU ARE trying to force your convictions on others. (and before someone says I am doing the same thing by posting my support for the gay community.  I will refer you to the fact that I did not post one single photo or quote against Christianity and did not even deal with the entire Chick-fil-A mess until almost a week of watching all the hate posts at which point I posted MY OWN WORDS in DEFENSE of my FRIENDS) And as far as the compassionate part…if you have even ONE gay friend and you posted even ONE nasty derogatory post you are NOT being compassionate…even if that quote or post was DISGUISED as support for your religious beliefs.  I look at this sentence very differently when it exists outside the intention of the original quote…In fact it can be viewed in quite the opposite way.  I don’t feel I have to compromise one bit who I am spiritually to have compassion and love for my gay friends.  In fact I think that considering my gay friends equal and hoping for their equality in the eyes of the law fits very well with the equality MY GOD affords to ALL human beings. My convictions are intact and perfectly aligned with my compassion for equal treatment.  When someone posts political crap on FB and you don’t agree with it no one takes offense to it as an attack on who they are.  This situation is so different from that.  It is the equivalent of posting a quote or photo raving about the benefits of concentration camps for your Jewish friends to see or maybe something about how we should reinstate slavery for the viewing of all your black friends.  As abhorrent as that would be, it is EXACTLY what you are doing to a gay friend you supposedly care about when you go so far as to post such things in a public forum. You are saying someone is less than you. And you are saying it to the world.  Now I understand why this quote was written and I am not giving credence to who is claiming to have said it for the simple reason that I do graphics and I know how easy it is to write your own bullshit and slap it over the face of a celebrity simply to give it credibility. But it is obvious to me that it addresses in its simplest form what is at the heart of this Chick-fil-A issue for a lot of people.  People need to justify their own beliefs.  If the church is telling you that being gay is wrong and you believe that then fine.  But do you seriously need to be so vocal about it?  You can believe what you believe from the privacy of your own home.  But when you lay out hatred and bigotry over and over you have to know how hurtful your words and actions are to people you have professed to call friend.

Anyhoo…Where was I??  Got all side tracked…Oh yes the Boycott.  The issues I have with boycotts in general are numerous. If you dig deep enough into any company you will find an unsavory person or people who are giving money to a cause you don’t agree with.  But just like in the Chick-fil-A case there are a lot of businesses that are intertwined with Chick-fil-A that are indeed on the other side of the anti-gay fence.  Just like Chick-fil-A can’t limit its suppliers to only Christian bigots likewise it is next to impossible for each of us to limit our expenditures to only companies that support our beliefs. It is a delicate balance of choice we all have.  And we, each on our own, need to decide what is egregious enough to require our own personal boycotts. 

Another issue I have with the concept of a boycott is that it calls into question who is actually being hurt by said boycott.  There are the innocents.  The employees of the companies you choose to not patron.  For example, if the Disney boycott had worked at all (which is laughable…and Disney laughed all the way to the bank on that one…thanks Baptists!) it would have affected more than half the households of the people around me including my own.  The employees of a company are NOT the company.  Their beliefs are not always, if EVER, that of the owners or their bosses. (In fact I am throwing up a little in my mouth at the thought of that one on a personal level.)  But it isn’t just about the financial pain for these employees, it’s the emotional as well.  I knew Baptists that actually worked at Disney during the boycott.  How confusing is that?  How do you keep your job and your religion?  Luckily the people I knew were not stupid enough to buy into that boycott and even as religious people, had the common sense to ascertain that what their church was asking of them was absurd.  (Maybe more people should take note of that…just because the church says it doesn’t mean you have to actively agree with it) It is in the same vein that I do not believe that every Chick-fil-A, as independently owned, would all support the same beliefs as the heads of the company.  I also believe that there are gay employees at many of these locations.  I know, OMG!  Do I believe that there are owners who discriminate against hiring outwardly gay employees?  YES.  Absolutely there are but there are also ones who DON’T.  I suspect that same behavior goes on in many companies. As many of you know I was a huge Chick-fil-A girl. I can’t help it, I like chicken.  Long before any of this came out I was frequenting said Chicken restaurant numerous times a week…say in many cases 5 days a week (Don’t tell my diet).  I had gotten to know a lot of the employees there who always greet me with a smile and know my order.   I thought about them and how difficult it must be for them to even go to work with such a media frenzy occurring on their doorstep. 

But let’s just say for the sake of argument that everyone who works there is secretly in the same haters club…that when you apply you have to take a blood oath to hate gays. By not going there I feel like it almost gives them what they most love…a private world without gays…and lots of tasty tiny little chickens.  They win!  I think it’s so much better to make them uncomfortable.  To have to SERVE you.  To feel the oppressive heat of your existence on their doorstep.  To have to share their air with yours. I would imagine someone so repulsed by someone who is gay might be terribly uncomfortable to have to smile and be at your service.  To have to exist for that one moment with you face to face with their own hatred.  You can still go to Chick-fil-A and actively support companies that support gay rights and do it all while annoying the hell out of anyone who doesn’t like gays.  It’s a win/win. I’ll have a large coke boys…change is a comin’.

When all is said and done, I feel like we are wasting a lot of time on the chicken battle ground and to me focusing on what 2 ignorant wealthy jackasses do with their money is unproductive and ill managed.  Their minds will not be changed even if their business in some way did suffer. Where the real battle needs to be fought, and all our energy needs to be squarely focused, is on changing the law so that all the money these people have spent supporting hate groups will be wasted and their voices will fall into silent anonymity where they belong.

But not all is lost at the foot of the boycott.  I believe that this media storm of coverage has made people think about their own stance and its made people, maybe if for only a moment, stand up and be a voice…either for good or evil.  It has drawn unmistakable lines, sadly between friends but often they are lines that have opened all our eyes for a moment.  It has joined people together on a common battlefield. It has raised voices where there were none before.   It has weeded the garden for many of friends not worthy and it has strengthened and reaffirmed other friendships.  

After a good week of contemplating where I stood on this issue and really considering how I felt about my own personal return to Chick-Fil-A a decision had been made.  I sat outside like the Grinch staring down at who-ville ready to ruin the feast.  Watching car after car filled with happy Christians waiting for their tasty Jesus chicken.  I was not going to make my stand from far away or from the side lines of a protest anymore.   My opinion counts as much as theirs and in my usual loud, unrelenting style I pulled through the drive through, slaped a gay flag on my dashboard, cranked up the song “Uprising” on my radio and proceeded to make kissy faces at the cashier.  No Ok I didn’t do THAT…it was a guy…and I’m pretty sure he was gay. 

Gay Marriage...The FACTS

Whether you agree with gay marriage or not you should read this and take in the FACTS on the situation.  I have tried to address the numerous arguments I have heard against the gay community. If you have any other arguments I would love to debate them with you.  I hope that after you read this you will be able to look into your heart and find compassion.  I will preface all I am about to say with the fact that I am a heterosexual married female (for those of you who don't know me.) I am also a Christian...but not the judgmental hateful kind.  I do not have a personal stake in this fight other than to live in a world with less hatred and more equality. 

Argument #1: “But my Bible says right here that being gay is wrong.  Let me quote you some passages.”

Response: You can quote Bible verses til the cows come home but the FACTS are as follows.  It is NOT a REQUIREMENT of anyone taking vows to be religious at ALL much LESS to be a Christian. In fact you can worship the DEVIL if you like.  You can disregard a belief in God altogether!  The ONLY stipulation you have to gain a marriage license is that you are a man and a woman.  Your Bible verses might be valuable to you but not to others.  The Bible is not the LAW.  The Bible is a book written by flawed men that you CHOOSE to personally give value to.  How would you feel if someone wanted to force you to abide by the rules in another religious work…say the Koran? This is the equivalent of what you are doing…forcing others to live abide by the supposed laws in YOUR religion.  And stop using religion as a shield to mask what is, in its truest form bigoted hate-mongering.

Argument #2: “Marriage is a religious institution.”

Response:  YOUR marriage might be a religious one but it is again NOT A REQUIREMENT.  The GOVERNMENT issues marriage licenses NOT the church. It is not necessary that they be signed or endorsed by ANY religious official at all.  In the state of Florida I can…and WAS married by a notary.  You can even have your friend go ONLINE and get a license to marry you and no religious affiliation whatsoever is required. If you CHOOSE to be married in a church by an anointed one, that is your choice. Or you can be married by Elvis.

Argument #3:  “But if you let gays marry then it will ruin the value of MY marriage.”

Response:  It’s not like someone put their car up on blocks or threw a couch on their lawn.  This isn’t like home values.  If your neighbors are gay it doesn’t bring down YOUR property value.  The quality of your marriage is unaffected and 100% in your control.   Maybe if more people worried about their OWN marriage instead of keeping others from the same, we wouldn’t have such a high divorce rate in this country.

Argument #4: “Blah blah blah… the sanctity of marriage?”

Response:  Really?  Sanctity? Heterosexuals have taken away the true sanctity of marriage, if that even ever existed, a LONG time ago.  Not only do HALF the couples who marry DIVORCE but I can be divorced 20 times and keep going back for more!  Is it really “the one true marriage” if you’ve had more than one?? Furthermore, the ceremony does not require a church or religious anointing of any kind. Hell I don’t even have to say actual vows.  I can make up my own shit to say that has nothing to do with God or promises or even love.  I can have my lavish overdone wedding on TV wearing 3 gowns and then divorce a week later. Sanctity might be something you value in your own wedding (which is perfectly fine and no one is taking away from you) but it again is not a requirement by the law.  Oh and while we are on that subject it also does not affect the sanctity of YOUR marriage if indeed you feel you have that.  In fact if gays are allowed to marry do you know how that will affect your life?  IN NO WAY AT ALL.  Your marriage (or ability to do so as many times as you like and still call yourself SANCTIMONIOUS) will still be intact.

Argument #5: “The gays will make a mockery of marriage.”

Response:  Really…the gays do?  I think I can prove my point in a few words…DOG weddings, Bridezillas, Kim Kardashian, The Bachelor.  We make a complete mockery every day of marriage in this country.  But that’s Ok because we like it!  It entertains us.  As long as it’s a man and a woman we can trash even the concept of marriage in a one hour show.   We don’t need gays to make a mockery of marriage.  Heterosexuals do it every day.

Argument #6: “I just don’t like the gays. I feel like they are always shoving their agenda down my throat.”

Response:  Oh you mean like you are cramming your religion down THEIR throats?   You don’t have to like them.  You don’t have to interact with them.  It’s like avocados.  I don’t like avocados but I’m not going to run screaming from the table if one shows up and I am certainly not going to spend my day making other people hate avocados or try to ban them! You can like what you want.  No one is asking you to LIKE the gays.   All you have to do it ignore them and let them live in peace.  No one is forcing you to go to a gay wedding.  That is your choice.  But again, you have no right to force your opinions on others when it affects their lives.

Argument #7: “We will have to agree to disagree.  This is like politics.” 

Response:  No.  No it is not at all.  We all have an equal stake in politics and our opinions are our own.  By taking a part in an active cause to deny someone rights you strip them of their dignity.  You make them a lesser being than yourself.  You might as well push to enact slavery again.  It is the same thing.  You have no right to impose your views on others to the detriment of an entire group of people.   When it came to slavery it took a war to decide what common sense should have dictated long before that!  Once gay marriage is legal THEN we can agree to disagree on it.  When we are ALL held as equal in the eyes of the law.

Argument #8:  “Gays are not Christians.”

Response:  Not necessarily true. There are plenty of straight people who are not Christians and we let THEM get married!!  (again refer to argument #1) However, you are also wrong that gays can’t be Christians. I know gays who ARE Christians and who have had to endure rejection or live secret lives to continue worshiping.  This reminds me of the origin of the Christian fish.  There was a time when being a Christian required people to worship in secret unsure of who else was worshiping.  The fish symbol was how Christians found safety.  For a gay Christian there is no safety.  I was taught to bring people into the church and not shun them away.  I don’t ever recall a lesson that involved in any way picking and choosing WHO I brought to Christ.  I guess I was misinformed.  I guess what I should have been saying is that you can only come to Christ if you meet his criteria as outlined in the Bible that he did not write!??

Argument #9: “The law says marriage is between a man and a woman.”

Response:  An antiquated law born of religion.  This law can and should be changed with the times (just as slavery was abolished, just as women were made whole and equal to men in the eyes of the law). As we have become more enlightened, we see that some of the laws created by our forefathers in a very different era, need to be altered, but it seems the self-righteous moral minority still holds its rule over any amount of common sense.  Laws are changed every day to accommodate the changing needs of a society.  Gay marriage is a movement whose time has come.

Argument #10: “Being gay is a choice.  They can choose to be straight if they want to get married.”

Response:  First of all who would CHOOSE to be gay in today’s world?  To what end? Who would CHOOSE to be ridiculed by society, abandoned by their own families and friends, have their lives threatened?  Who would CHOOSE to be victims of violence and persecution?  I have gay friends who live in fear every day of losing their jobs if they come out.  Who would CHOOSE that? I had a friend whose parents offered him a larger sum of money to “renounce his gayness.”  I have watched friends forced to live a secret life and tell their families they have a “roommate” for years because they don’t feel a lesbian/gay partnership would be accepted.  I watched a friend die of AIDS unable to tell his own family what he was dying of! Can you even for one moment understand that struggle?  I know people who for YEARS struggled to be something they were simply not…straight…and when they could finally (after of course accepting that they will likely lose their family and friends) come out they blossomed into who they truly are and who they were created to be.  I dated a guy who was struggling with what his parents and his religion told him was right and who he was deep inside.  One day he broke down and cried saying that he has tried for years to date women but it was becoming increasingly more evident that he just had no attraction to women.  He told me he could never tell his family because they made it very clear that they would never accept a gay son.  We sat on his floor and talked all night long.  He expressed how much he wanted to get married and have children and how if he admitted he was gay that hope was over for him FOREVER. I was the first person he uttered those words to…”I’m gay”.  I saw in his eyes how terrified he was at that reality.  I saw how broken he was and how desperate he was to just “be normal”.  How every moment since he was a young child he knew he was different and tried to change and deny who he was but just couldn’t any longer. There was no doubt in my mind after that moment that being gay is NOT a choice.   I am still friends with him to this day and proud to say he has found love with a wonderful man…who he shares his life with but still, after all these years, can’t marry. 

Argument #11:  “God doesn’t approve of gays and they will not be accepted into heaven.”

Response:  You know this how?  Because God spoke to you?  I am pretty sure if you have a little sit down with the creator of the universe he would probably be more concerned with you demoralizing his creations!  After all God doesn’t make mistakes right?  Everyone is created in his image right? I think maybe God would tell you that you have been put on this earth to learn love and acceptance and he is disappointed that you have been unable or unwilling to open your heart to do that and worse yet using his name to justify it all!!  He would tell you that there is NO path through hatred to love.   I think you would be humbled and embarrassed by your bigotry in his mighty presence.

It is absurd to me that we are even having this discussion.  It breaks my heart to see my friends lives destroyed by this.  If you would for one moment take the time to get to know someone who is gay (although I am sure you already do but they are too afraid to tell you they are for fear of your severe judgement!)…if you would open your eyes and look into their lives and see how they have been mistreated and persecuted.  If you could see the pain that you inflict every day on people you don’t even know, you would change your mind.

Many years ago I was in Costa Rica (a very gay friendly country) and I sat intently watching a male couple across from us.  I looked at how they held hands and laughed and looked lovingly into each other’s eyes.  I couldn’t help but think, as I sat there with my own husband holding his hand how lucky I was to be able to openly embrace him…to wear his ring as a symbol of our love and fidelity.  When I saw that couple…their hands were our hands, their laughter was our laughter. I thought of all my gay friends back home and how to enjoy that simple pleasure they would need to LEAVE THE COUNTRY.  It saddened me so deeply that a country like ours with all its wealth and power would choose to use it to step on an entire class of its citizens... to not allow them to openly love, when we certainly allow people to openly hate.  A country, by the way, founded by people fleeing from oppression.  The same oppression we now impose on others! And what is even sadder is that by being a society that denies its citizens the right to show love in an open forum we actually hurt ourselves…ALL of us.  When I was in Europe in high school (MANY years ago) we noticed that people would walk down the street holding hands.  Just regular heterosexual people.  Maybe best friends…maybe a mom and grown daughter.  Men and women alike were seen engaging in this behavior.  We thought it was so cool that WE started to hold hands with each other.  I remember how liberating it felt to be able to express my deep connected friendship by holding hands and have no fear that anyone would view it as inappropriate.  Upon returning to the U.S. I remember a conversation with a friend of how sad it was that we can’t hold hands anymore.  This was a totally friendship based 100% non-sexual form of showing our feelings for each other but something that would NEVER happen in this country because everyone is so homophobic.  By making such a production of what society considers “inappropriate love” we condition OURSELVES to hesitate to express our own love…as mother daughter, father son, friend to friend.  THAT is a loss to ALL of us.  If you think it isn’t then you have never held the hand of a friend and if it makes you shudder to think of it, THAT is how conditioned you have become to society’s judgment.  And to not even be able to consider showing affection to someone you care about is just sad…for you.  Because I know the feeling of being able to fully express emotion and affection and it is liberating and beautiful.

But at the very heart of this issue is something much deeper than just affection and marriage vows.  Anyone can take vows…in front of God or otherwise.  It’s now 100% about those vows being recognized by the government…because along with a marriage license comes a recognition that now by law you are one.  If my husband was in an accident or dying I, as his wife, would be able to visit him in the hospital, to hold his hand, to share our last moments on this earth together.  I would also be able to assist in making decisions about his care and to carry out his wishes.  But NONE of that would be allowed if we were a gay couple. I could be with my partner for 50 years and at the end of their life a parent who disowned them could come back and make care decisions for them!  And worse, by LAW I would not even be recognized as family and could be denied access to even SEE my partner!!  Anyone who thinks that is fair…my god I can’t even fathom someone thinking that is OK!!  Especially not someone reading this who I have accepted into my life and called FRIEND!  I am begging you…pleading with you to see how inhumane this is.  When you rise up against the gay community you fill in all the gaps of love with hatred.  No one is denying your rights to your religion and to your beliefs.  They are only asking for the respect and dignity of being treated as an equal by the law.  Who are you to deny that to them? 

A very vivid memory of mine is my dear friend David and the day he told me he was gay. He said “I have something I need to tell you and when I do you will probably not want to be my friend anymore…” It breaks my heart that in his mind even for a second he wondered if my love and friendship could stand against the pressures of a society hell bent on destroying anyone who was admittedly gay.  I will remember that moment as long as I live.  I will also remember my response to him.  I told him I thought he was going to tell me something awful! I told him that I love and accept him exactly as he is and that my feelings for him have not and will not change.  I then hugged him. And over 20 years later we are still friends and I embrace him and all that he is every day.   What is so sad to me is thinking of ALL my gay friends and knowing that each and every one of them had that moment with me…where they faced me and wondered how they were going to tell me.  Where they took a deep breath and pushed the words from the very bottom of their souls and then waited as if their very breath was frozen, for my reply.  My reply has always been and will always be one of acceptance and love.  And I thank all of them for trusting me enough in that one moment to share with me all they truly are because your lives are all a value and blessing to my soul.  I stand up for you now in this moment.  And one day very soon, I will stand beside you when the walls of the bigots fragile kingdom come crashing down around them and history rights itself.  A day when we will finally be equals in the eyes of the law…Because we have ALWAYS been equals in my eyes AND the eyes of MY God.

The Beginning

For years people have been asking me to blog because apparently I have a hell of a lot to say.  I realize I have quite a strong opinion on pretty much everything I will write about...and most things I don't.  I also understand that some of the people will disagree with me.  I am certainly at all points welcoming debate but I will NOT in any way tolerate hateful or nasty comments.  They will be deleted.  Consider this a warning. I have chosen to start with a subject that is really sticking in my craw lately and one that I am sure will draw much controversy...gay marriage.  But it is my hope that this and all my posts will inspire debate and at least create an open dialogue for people to learn.  And sometimes I will just use comedy and sarcasm and that will be fun too.  This first post however will not be funny and expresses a lot of frustration I have had inside for a long time.  Enjoy...or don't.